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I am a survivor of Cambodian communist Khmer Rouge. I was ten years old during the war and I was nineteen when I came to the U.S. in 1983. I am so fortunate to have my parents, sister, and brother with me. Although my brother is mentally ill of torture, he is alive.
I hardly talk about the war, but I am reliving war traumas daily, particularly the moment when my best friend was taken away to be killed by Khmer Rouge soldiers. There are many Cambodian children who witnessed the killing of their parents, siblings, and friends. They are now living their lives with those painful memories of guilt.
War is the root of evil. It destroys lives and shatters dreams. It implants poisons in the hearts, minds, and souls of those who survive. To expand its massive destruction, war poisons the land, air, and water, leaving its victims no chance of survival. War deprives victims of food and starves them to death. It savages the people and disables the country. War allows those who have power and weapons the right to kill and go on killing. War burns like a wild fire; it keeps burning through many generations. War creates killers, violence, hatred, victims, and refugees. War has no mercy, humanity, or morality. War has no right or wrong; its purpose is to destroy all living things.
I was a young girl who grew up with war and before I knew about life, I already knew about hatred, killing, and death. I came from a place where innocent lives have no value but victory for those who committed the killings. War turns days into nights and takes away harmony and hopes. Its evil injustice filled my heart with pain, anger, and loss.
There were dangers everywhere; places that I used to go or roads that I used to walk on were covered with scenes of destruction and death. I stared into the many eyes of death, hunger, and suffering. I felt so sorry for the victims I saw, yet I had to save myself. Every time I stared death in the eye, I prayed to God to let me die peacefully if I must die. No matter what danger I had to endure, my will to live was the strongest desire of all, and it kept me alive. For so many, there was no salvation and it terrorized and tormented those who lived. Although the war is behind me, I never let go of those painful memories. As a survivor, it haunts me to know that life has no value in war.
War refugees are being forced out of their homes and countries, facing uncertain future. Many refugees become separated from their families. Many children without families stay together for safety. As refugees, they are also the victims of killing, rape, starvation, beating, torture, sale to slavery, and accusation of war crimes.
Almost three million innocent lives were lost during the Khmer Rouge regime. The war in Cambodia ended twenty years ago, but the killing and suffering continue. There were approximately 46 million land mines planted in Cambodia — a country the size of Oklahoma. In the 1980s, Cambodians were stepping on land mines at a rate of about 500 people per month. With a population of only about ten million people, Cambodia has 40,000 amputees. Many of these amputees are women and children. Cambodia may look peaceful now, but its people are still dying.
I thank God for a safe life in this new country, and an education that is given to me as my new opportunity. Education also taught me the truth about the war in Cambodia. When I discovered the involvement of the U.S., France, Russia, and China in the war in my country, it hurt. I have mixed feelings about whether I should be angry or thankful toward the country that shelters me.
I feel guilty of disloyalty to this country when I speak of my disagreement with a government that makes war with other countries. But the devastation and suffering they intentionally cause to those innocent people are unimaginable. The superpower countries have no right to interfere with the affairs of small countries. The superpower countries should be held accountable for rebuilding after the destruction they have caused.
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